This past Saturday and Sunday were the second chance I had to sit at God’s feet for a full 24-hours. Sound crazy? Perhaps… {I'll address the answer to that question at another time...} But after having an emotionally and physically trying day on Friday, it was all I wanted...to go to Him...to run to Him. I didn’t care if I made it the full 24-hours, I didn’t care if he revealed anything life changing to me, I didn’t care if he healed me, I didn’t care if he answered my prayers, I just simply went because I desired Him. I loved Him. I wanted His presence.
The first words that hit me Saturday morning before leaving for the church were "Hold fast"...words from a song that I actually normally dislike...but the words jumped out at me hard...and looking back at my time in the "Upper Room" it was one of the biggest (of many) lessons learned over the weekend. I could write for hours about the lessons learned during my time there…and what I’m still experiencing now…but I'll save those for later as well...
The morning and afternoon hours were amazing and filled with constant prayer for others, myself, journaling, time in scripture…and then came the first wall…the wall in my head where the distractions start to build up and keep my connection with God distant. Then the next wall came, the wall that always comes after the one in the mind, the emotional wall on my heart. Then the wall of fatigue hit.
I began to wonder what the point was of me really being there. Did God really want me there if my thoughts were distracted? If my heart was somewhere else? If I was a complete mess inside? But the thought of going home and being away from his strong presence made me feel horrible...I couldn’t leave Him. So, instead I just kept praying God please speak to me, please tell me that You desire me to still be here, that I am here for a reason. I held fast. And God was holding fast to me…
When the light came in the morning, in the last hour, I prayed with Bethany. And when she paused to find scripture, there it was. Words from scripture that He had given me almost two years ago. Words that were so direct from Him because He is the only one who knows what they mean to me in my heart. I broke inside…in joy, in my love for Him, in gratitude for His love for me…God was telling me that he had delighted in me being there with Him, distracted mess or not.
Had I left when I felt distracted, frustrated, at a loss...had I given up on myself...had I just left God's presence and sought comfort in my own home, gone to bed... I would have walked away from God and his grace and what the words, joy and revelations He had for me not only at that time but today…I held fast and His love didn’t fail me.
When you feel you've lost the battle with yourself, if you have a distracted heart, you're an emotional mess, whatever--He wants you to admit you need him even in your messiness--He doesn't grow tired of you even if you're tired of yourself. Don't give up on Him--He won't give up on you--HOLD FAST.
"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him." Psalm 91:14-15
